The Dark Heart by Julie Cave

Author:Julie Cave
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FIC042060
ISBN: 9781614586005
Publisher: New Leaf Publishing Group, Inc.
Published: 2017-05-01T04:00:00+00:00

Chapter 10

The great English writer named C.S. Lewis once said that having integrity means that you do the right thing even when no one is watching.

Angus sat in his office, the door locked, the blinds on the window drawn. O’Toole had gone, and Angus had never felt more like a hypocrite in his whole life.

Nobody can see me. I’ve never felt more alone.

There was thick fog outside: thick, fat fingers surrounded the building, softly embracing it. Angus felt like he was hiding in the midst of the fog, but the moment the high sun started to burn it away, it would expose him. He was lost in his thoughts, his fears, the dark shame of his past.

We all do it, I think. We present a façade to the world, presenting ourselves as good and acceptable people. We construct walls around our lives that other people might peek over, but will never breach. Each wall represents a compartment in our life that we disguise or twist so that other people see a distortion of the truth.

The truth as other people see it:

I’m a good father. See how he loves his kids!

I’m a loving husband. He really takes care of his wife.

I’m a trustworthy pastor. He speaks the truth to us.

I’m a compassionate citizen. He helps other people all the time.

I’m generous and kind. He never seems to think of himself.

Perhaps our families see part of the truth. Our children sense the truth when we lash out in anger in words or deeds, and fear skates over the shiny surface of their eyes. Our wives see part of the truth when without even raising our voices, we cut them down with our words, and worse, we feel a thrill of satisfaction because we have won. Our friends and colleagues and acquaintances might glimpse the truth occasionally when we tell pithy and self-deprecating stories about ourselves but we never ask about them. As for the towns and cities in which we live, where we are known only by reputation, the citizens there will never see the truth.

We put on a show, a shiny, happy show that masks the truth of who we really are. We lie even to ourselves. We are unkind and ungracious, and blame the other person for being awkward. We lose our tempers because someone else provoked us. We are selfish because nobody else cares for us. It can’t possibly be my fault.

This is the lie we tell ourselves. I am a good person.

I’ve laid awake in the dark dead of the night, and I’ve stripped away the defenses that cover my heart. I’ve put aside the lies we tell ourselves about our own goodness, and I’ve looked at what lies deep in my heart.

I’ve seen the truth of who I really am. My heart is dark. It is black with sin and violence and pride.

Angus looked around his office, an extension of what he felt was all that was false about him. Books lined the walls: serious books about law and history and philosophy.

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